So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
