Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
