I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
