where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
