"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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