its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
