do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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