Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
