this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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