i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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