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sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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