I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
