I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
