the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
