We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Text me some of your sweat
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
