Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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