i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
