I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
