i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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