She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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