Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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