fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
