My nipple is on Facebook.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
