At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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