Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
