I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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