So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
