Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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