Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
