I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
