I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
