I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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