i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The air taste purple.
Randomize
