Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
