You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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