im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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