i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
