my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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