the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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