I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
