I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize