When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
