Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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