I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
