someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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