When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
