OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we should paint friendship bongs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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