the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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