Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize