God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
