What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
