Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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